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[TsGirl]

Being His Submissive

Being his submissive is a part of our day to day lives. While we may not call ourselves 24/7, we essentially are. My submission and my devotion to Sir as his submissive are a never ending or changing factor in our lives. Being his simply means that I'm always his sub, no matter what the time or place.

Being his submissive is a privilege and something I consider quite special. To me, it's more than just being a partner, girlfriend or wife. To be his sub means I have a lot more responsibility and Sir has far more expectations of me than a typical vanilla partner. There is a different level of respect that I show to Sir, where I am expected to ask permission for some things. Not necessarily so that Sir can say no, but simply to show the respect that he does hold the power to say yes or no. It's the sole fact of asking permission rather than taking it for granted.

Sir expects me to be now to read him just as well as what he reads me. Over our years together, he has quietly trained me to be more observant to what is going on around me, more specifically to be able to cater to his needs without too much discussion. I can walk past Sir whilst doing my afternoon jobs and notice his coffee mug is empty, it's now automatic to simply make him a new coffee. I don't necessarily need to ask him if he wants one, I just quietly do it for him. The same with his clothes of a nighttime, it's not something we have spoken about but I always make sure that Sir has a work uniform there ready for the next day.

My other expectation as his sub is to be there for him. Now this in particular has many meanings. I'm to be there as his service sub, to take care of household duties and keeping his coffee full. I'm also to be there as his sexual sub, I'm expected to always be washed and clean shaven and ready for whatever Sir may ask of me. Whether that be after work or the middle of the night, it's my job to always be ready. Probably the most important part of being his sub though, is making sure Sir knows I am there for him as a person. To offer my support, encouragment and love at all times. It's my job to reassure him that yes he is doing the right thing, that he is being a good Dom and that no matter, what he has me by his side.

For me, being his submissive is so much more of an emotional and mental connection that it is a physical one. It's about reading Sir's body language, learning what it means and how I'm expected to respond to it. It's about learning how to be the absolute best sub I can possibly be for him, to be able to do my job as seamlessly as possible.

Being Sir's submissive is a full-time job but it's my favourite job in the world.

[TsGirl]

So.. This one is a little personal. Sir and I have come a long way to be at this point where I am a collared submissive. I have had to prove myself time and time again in order to earn the privilege of wearing this collar.

This is because it took me a long time and quite a few mistakes along the way to realise just how much this collar means to Sir and how much of a big deal it was for him to reward me with it. I didn't realise that every tiny little set back, every time I made a mistake, lied to Sir, disrespected Sir, asked for more than what I was ready for... All of these little things I did, were actually what kept pushing back me earning this collar. I really had no idea just how observant Sir was.

It was only once I realised this, did I start to take more notice of the things I was doing and how I was behaving. I became so much more conscious of always being good, not just being good when I thought Sir was paying attention. It was only after one particularly bad mistake that I made, did we sit down and talk about and then implement a little more structure. That tiny little bit of structure and regularity was what helped me keep my focus on my submission and helped me earn my collar.

This collar means the absolute world to me. It holds more meaning than anything else. It serves as a constant reminder of my submission and the promises I make to Sir. It is that one solid physical reminder that I am loved, wanted and needed. Having a bad day? Stressed out at work? All I have to do is hold that little lock and breath. Forget about the world for a moment and just remember what my collar means. It's a reminder to me that even if Sir and I aren't getting along at the time, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about me. It keeps me going, to be quite frank. It's like having a tiny little part of Sir with me at all times, I can hold it and think about him and instantly feel closer to Sir.

My collar means the world to me.

[TsGirl]

When it comes to BDSM, we often dive into the deep end. We sometimes play with people we don't know that well. We try to push our limits to broaden our knowledge and gain experience. But in doing this, we need to keep ourselves safe. This is why generally people involved in BDSM follow the policy of SSC; safe, sane, and consensual.

This means that all safety precautions are taken for relative activities. Preventative measures are put in place before the scene. These can be things such as having scissors on hand to cut bondage in case of emergency, shaving creams or antiseptics on hand to clean up after a scene, or simply having a warm blanket and somewhere quiet to be afterward.

Sane Play
Sane play simply means that nobody's getting any crazy out-of-this-world ideas. It means that all play is intended not to injure partners, both mentally and physically.

Consensual
Consensual means that every part of the play has been discussed, negotiated, and agreed upon. Consent has been given by both parties to engage in the agreed-upon activities in a safe manner.

This is also known as the RACK policy in other places
Meaning; risk-aware consensual kink. Again it's simply stating that all people participating know the risks involved in that particular activity, be it tame or extreme. Everyone is to be made aware of the risks involved, the safety precautions to be taken, and the care that needs to be taken after the scene.

Most people in the BDSM community abide by these policies and agree that this is the safest way to practice any form of BDSM. All dungeons and public BDSM facilities usually enforce these principles and people found not abiding by these are typically made to leave. These principles are to ensure the safety of both people new to BDSM and the more experienced lifestylers.

[TsGirl]

I believe that BDSM has a few core values that apply to everyone to some degree. The fundamentals, if you will. No matter how much or how little you are into BDSM, no matter what role you take art in or what part of BDSM interests you. There will always be the core values of trust, respect, honesty, and communication. Without these four values, we run the risk of losing ourselves in the world of kink.

First of all, BDSM is based on trust
Whether it is entrusting your body to a sadist and trusting them not to push you past your pleasure/pain limit. Or being bound in tight rope bondage and suspended in the air, trusting that the person tying your knots knows what they are doing and won't let you fall. Sometimes it's simply the trust to hand over your control as a submissive and trust that your dominant will make the right decisions with your best interest at heart. Trust is such an important part of all aspects of BDSM because, without trust, we can't actually relax into our play, if you can't trust the person or people you are engaging with, you are too nervous and worried to enjoy what you're doing!

Me personally, I trust my Sir with my life
That's the amount of trust I have developed with him over our few years together. He has never given me any reason to question that trust. Trust is something that has to be built up over time, it's a very difficult thing to have if it's just a casual scene or plays with someone. But when it comes to long-term relationships, trust is one thing that is paramount to being able to progress and take a relationship further. To push your limits and try new things, you need to trust your partner.

I trust Sir to be able to read my body and my reactions when we play, trusting that he would never push me further than where my unknown limits are. He has taken me from believing that I could never ever bring myself to allow my face to be slapped... To actually begging for it and enjoying it during play now. How? Because of the trust, I have in him. It took a few years and it wasn't until our relationship developed a little deeper once I moved in with him that I allowed him, yes I just said that I, as a sub, allowed my Sir to slap me. To me, I couldn't have a Dom/sub relationship with my Sir without trusting him. In the same breath, he also has to put his trust in me too. He trusts that my reactions are honest and he had to trust that I will call a safe word if he misreads something and goes too far. Sir trusts me to bring my problems to him and discuss anything that's on my mind or that may hinder me from doing my job as his submissive. Trust goes both ways.

Respect is one of the biggest things people have to keep in mind in regards to BDSM.
We must respect one another's limits, decisions, preferences, and lifestyle choices. Not only that, we have to have simple human respect for each other, no matter our roles. At the end of the day, no matter what role you take on, we are all still humans, still, people with feelings and we need to have respect for each other regardless of the rules and protocols involved in BDSM.

Although a submissive may hand over their control
it does not mean they hand over their right to be respected. Even when involved in play such as humiliation or degrading play, be it verbal or physical, a submissive is still to be respected. Their limits and choices are to be respected just as much as their person. In saying that, submissives are to show respect to their dominants as well. You are giving the dominant the respect of having higher power than you at that moment. Dominants have limits as well and those limits are to be respected. Just because you are submissive, doesn't give you the right to push a dominant to play outside of their own limits for your satisfaction.

When it comes to D/s, respect also comes into play by respecting the rules your dominant and yourself have agreed upon. You show your dominant respect by following those rules and by completing your tasks without complaint. Something as simple as letting my Sir know when I am on my way home shows him respect. It means that I am acknowledging the fact he cares about me and worries for my safety. It means that I respect him enough to not have him questioning where I am or if I'm okay.

Honesty, this is a big one for us and one of the only two things that my Sir truly asks of me. Honesty with both yourself and the people involved in your BDSM journey is paramount. It is up to you, to be honest with your partners, whether that be one person, multiple people, different people, whatever the situation may be. You must be honest about your health, just as you would be with any sexual vanilla partner. This includes little details though, such as the fact that you have a bad knee and can't kneel for long periods or that you bruise very easily or your blood doesn't clot as quickly as others. These are all small little details to do with your health that you wouldn't think of in a non-kinky sexual encounter but are actually important factors when it comes to BDSM.

Honesty about your experiences, whether it's being honest about past bad experiences that may affect your reactions during certain aspects of a play or being honest about your lack of experience and therefore uncertainty about things.

You need to be able to sit down with your partner, long term or casual, and have an honest conversation about your limits. This applies to both dominant and submissive types. You both need to be upfront and honest about where your limits lie and what you will and won't consider pushing. Not being honest about your limits can enjoy you up in a potentially dangerous situation, so honesty does go a long way when it comes to BDSM. Being honest about your emotions after a scene is also important, while one of you may feel that it went well and was a good time, if the other person isn't honest about the fact that they didn't enjoy the scene for whatever reason, it can cause major issues in the future.

This ties straight into communication, our final core value.
Now, this is a big one and something I am constantly working to be better at. Having good communication skills enables you to be honest, develop trust and show respect. You need to be able to have an open discussion with your partner and effectively communicate things such as your limits, your desires, the things you want to try. You should be able to sit down and communicate exactly how you'd like a scene to go and what you both expect from that scene. Communication also comes into play for more relationship-based BDSM when discussing things such as rules, protocols, and contracts. Both parties must be able to speak openly, honestly, and negotiate positively.

The other big part of communication is the ability to communicate with each other during play and feeling able to use your safe word. Especially when engaging in casual play or scenes, you must be able to communicate with each other how you are doing throughout. This relies heavily on the dominant party taking notice of the submissive reactions and the submissive communicating both verbally and physically that they are content to continue. Usually, the traffic light system is put in place to do a brief check-in with each other without disrupting the mood of the scene.

For D/s relationships such as myself and Sir
Communication is also about talking about our feelings and our headspace outside of the kinky bedroom stuff. It's no use us trying to have a play and Sir wondering why I'm not myself. It's far better for me to communicate with Sir that I'm not feeling well or am overly tired or just having a bad day as opposed to snapping at him and likely disrespecting him. It's important to communicate before, during, and after play as well as in everyday life situations.

Overall, these four little fundamentals of BDSM all link together. You need communication to be able to show respect. To show respect you must be honest and be honest in your discussions. Lastly, to build trust between partners you need to be able to communicate honestly whilst showing respect for each other as people, not just dominants and submissives.

[TsGirl]

Today we begin our journey together into the depths and intricacies of BDSM, What is BDSM? We will look at what BDSM truly is, what it means, and how you can control just how far down the rabbit hole you wish to venture. Let's start by breaking down the acronym that is BDSM...

The letters B and D stand for bondage and discipline.
Bondage has two meanings, by dictionary definition (yes, my own Sir has had me google the definitions of many words as tasks). Bondage is the state of being another person's slave, to be owned. By definition, it also means the restraint of a person by way of binding them. In my own words, bondage relates to the act of being tied up or restrained. That can range from fluffy handcuffs to strong leather restraints to intricate rope tying also known as shibari among other names.

For some people, bondage is simply a small part of their entire BDSM life. For others, bondage is a full-time love and sometimes the only part of BDSM they indulge in. Bondage can be used within sexual aspects of play and some people find different textures of ropes and leather quite arousing. Whilst others find a more relaxing, peaceful release in bondage that is not sexual at all.

Discipline is the training of obedience and the use of punishment to enforce structure or rules. Discipline relates to one's behaviors and expectations. It involves the establishment of agreed-upon rules and acceptable behaviors between multiple people and the agreed punishment methods to enforce such things. Now don't get scared, the word punishment has many faucets but we will speak more about that another day. To put it simply, I personally have two tasks to complete every day. Failure to complete my tasks can result in "punishment" which can be anything from losing affection from my Sir, being lectured, or worse... Disappointing him.

However, my punishment for something to do with my behavior, such as lying, would be much worse to ensure that I didn't repeat that unwanted behavior.


Our middle letters, D and S, stand for dominance and submission.
For myself and the relationship I have with my Sir, this is the most important part of BDSM for us. Generally, any variation of the word dominance simply means to have power and influence over another. To be the dominant party in a relationship means that you have been handed the power of control. To be given this power, and I do say given, not taken, is something that shows the level of trust and depth of the relationship between a dom and sub.

Submission is my personal favorite and what I most relate to being a sub myself. It is, by definition, the act of accepting or yielding to the authority or will of another person. Now you need to understand that this is all up to the sub. The submissive party in the relationship, whether that be a casual or long-term relationship, is making the choice to submit and give their control and decision-making over to the dominant person. Submission is not forced or taken, it is willingly and knowingly given. Any submissive has the right to say no, to negotiate with their dominant. I personally find a great deal of comfort and peace in my submission to Sir.

Our last letter combination, S and M, stands for sadism and masochism.
Now, these two words go hand in hand... Or should I say hand to butt? Sadism, or to be a sadist, means to derive a form of pleasure and sometimes sexual gratification from the act of inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. For some, this is the entire basis of their BDSM escapades, there doesn't need to be anything else involved. My Sir, in particular, can be quite a sadist and enjoys making me yelp and jump.


To go hand in hand, a masochist, or masochism
It is to take pleasure and often sexual gratification in one's own pain, humiliation, or suffering. Everyone has different things they enjoy, different limits, and tolerances. I wouldn't call myself a masochist, as this label as such is usually reserved for people who truly derive pleasure from the pain itself with very little other stimulation besides the pain itself. In saying that, I will freely admit to having some masochistic tendencies. My Sir has quite a sadistic streak but he tones it down for me as he knows where my limits are and exactly where that fine line is between pain and pleasure. Some don't enjoy pain at all, in any form. While others live for it and need it to find both a sexual and emotional release.

BDSM is often seen as whips and chains and sex. But it is far more complex and can be changed and adjusted in any way you like. Every person is different and each has their own individual likes, dislikes, limits, and interests. BDSM as a whole is based on the core values of trust, honesty, communication, and respect. It also follows the worldwide rule of SSC; safe, sane, and consensual. This is also known as RACK; risk-aware consensual kink. Feel free to leave some feedback or shoot us a question about today's blog!